A gamer’s advice to his children
You will find the need to jump frequently. Inevitably, when you do, you will make a noise. It will be entertaining for a while before becoming annoying. When you are older, it will be entertaining again.
Every single item that you stumble upon is important, and will be used later in life to find out information. Carry a large knapsack at all times to store your trinkets.
Check dumpsters and hedges for money and quest items. They like to hide inside enemies too. Like the copy machine…Mad gold inside copy machines.
Every time you practice a skill, like crocheting or wasting time on the internet, or when you defeat an enemy, you will gain experience.
You can spend a week in a dungeon without eating or drinking and still defeat the boss at the end.
Strangers will already have heard of you; not only are you encouraged to talk to them, but do them favors. Also, they glow if you look directly at them: green if they are friendly, red if they’re an enemy. Don’t be colorblind.
If you’re not feeling 100%, one day of rest will heal all broken bones, illnesses, sprains, tears, strains and blood loss. If someone else is stricken ill, the only cure will be found deep in the wilderness where a special type of flower grows only atop mini-bosses’ bodies.
Your wardrobe will give you special powers. People wear them to up their stats, not for fashion. Some also run around bareback. If you roll in the dirt, your clothes will stay clean. If you find clothing, it will be in your size.
No matter what you do, you cannot get fat. Or smelly.
There is no such thing as sightseeing. Each town that you visit will have a mission for you. Sometimes it will be herding chickens. Sometimes you will need to break out of prison. Bring lock picks.
Avoid towns with volcanoes; they are the homes of emo monsters.
Avoid towns with lots of law enforcement; you will need to do illegal things to save the world.
Avoid towns that are empty.
If you ask the community service administrator, he will sign your time sheet.
Don’t forget to bring your ocarina. Your playing has the power to incapacitate the living dead and make friends with musically inclined creatures.
Finally, the most important life decisions should be left up to dice rolls. And if all else fails, just blow on it.