For Dr. Suess
I know what I’m talking about.
Beyond any doubt, I am without equals.
Look at my wall, posted tall and wide with
diplomas from the five corners of the world.
Neither pride nor humility could deny my degree wallpaper.
This is my A.S.T, I got it when I was twelve from elves in
Hogwarts. My stay there was cut short
because Dumbledore was jealous.
Then I headed over to the Ivy Leagues,
and walked out with an M.D. from Penn,
and an S.T.D. from Princeton.
I got my V.M.D. delivering Lion cubs in Narnia.
I taught trees to speak and rocks to eat people.
But only the bad ones of course.
I’m up to date on current events, I’m sensitive to the issues.
I know the circumference of the moon and
how many unicorns can fit on the head of a pin.
I know which way is widdershins
and I helped Snow White get rid of genital warts
after nights up late with count ‘em:
But word gets around, and soon my hardwood Disney door
was being pounded all hours of the night, and frightful beings were
begging my advice on how to find wives or
tollbooths, golden apples or beans.
So I moved to the land of opportunity.
So you can trust me.
From one blue blooded American to another,
this is what you should do:
But wait just one second, who are you?