This kid will win Kiddie Pool Gold, even if he’s too old to begin the training


Let me preface this with a disclaimer:

You might have noticed that this site got redecorated, with a new domain name, edited pages and the like. This is an attempt to look a bit more “professional,” which I realize may be a turnoff for the [7 1/2 -12] and [53 and older] crowd (who I’m assuming are the main readership based on complex statistical demographics models and straight up B.S).

But worry not! Even if my webpage has gone white collar, that doesn’t mean I’m going to act like a wall street insider.
So, I can promise a few things from here on:

1) Just because I went legit, that doesn’t mean I will ignore comments or silliness, no matter how irrelevant or self promoting.

2) I will continue to keep all of the content on this site Free, and will even try to add multimedia like audio and video and the original Mortal kombat emulator.

3) If you really, really want me to do a collab/gig/other shindig, I will do my best to oblige. But if you want me to hitchhike to your neck of the woods in Whoknowswhere, Iowa, I’d strongly suggest a private plane trip out there.

4) We have a new email address. You can now hit up

for any inquiries/questionable favors/advice on where to bury the treasure.

5) Finally, I just want to thank everyone for keeping this thing rolling since last winter. If not for you all, this poetry would not exist, and I wouldn’t be the second richest man on the Forbes List (I’m still not, but without you guys, I wouldn’t be crazy enough to believe I’m that wealthy in spirit).

And now, some poetry:

Even though it’s just the doggie paddle in an above-ground pool, he’s still a champion.

Before even setting foot on an Olympic stage,
Adrian worked for ages on his character sheet.
Ever since he was a gangly teenager,
complete with acne scars on his cheeks
and angst enough to play make believe,
Adrian would roll dice
with way to many geometric sides
to decide what records to break.

Even today, he trains D&D day and night
in chlorine-dyed swimming pools,
which as any fool knows is quite dangerous
because if his paper gets soggy
or a player rolls a d20 into the deep end,
our hero must start again from level one.

Adrian’s caring single parent
prepares for these accidents by
wrapping his stats and abilities in layers of cellophane
and attaching water wings on game day
like a crazed helicopter soccer mom.
Upon this his role-playing doppelgänger
can stay afloat, if she hopes hard enough;
After all, he has asthma
and can choke to death
on the tiniest breath
of wet air.

She needn’t be so scared.
His alter ego, a Half-Orc gnome
who goes by the name of Mario,
is a level 15 Waterlord/Rogue in pristine health.
He already beat the evil demon
of low self-esteem to gain the waterbreathing feat.
Before that, he relieved a sealskin suit from
a sect of ruthless smile-stealing fiends,
and cleaned out the skeletons in his closet
For a pair of +2 goggles of water vision.

Before competition,
Adrian need only listen to a muted ovation
through his headphones
to channel the swimmer within him.
While his mom hides her eyes behind her hands
believing he is the same young boy who cannot breathe,
he leaves the audience breathless.

3 thoughts on “This kid will win Kiddie Pool Gold, even if he’s too old to begin the training

  1. Anansi,
    You went for light/beige/salmon… It’s… lovely. Are you wearing Gap pants today?
    Le Clown
    PS: Good for you for getting your own domain.

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