Jack got the Golden Goose…
Oh hey mom,
I hope you weren’t waiting up,
I have a surprise for…
Yeah, I just made it back and…
Oh, where are the gold pieces?
Actually, don’t get up ma;
you may want to stay seated.
Now let me just preface this by saying
it wasn’t my fault.
Wait, don’t get mad, you haven’t even heard
what happened; first let me explain.
You know how you were saying last week
that we had to trade the last of our magic beans away
because they were about to seed
and we didn’t want giants
chasing us around the beanstalks,
like a lethal game of hide and seek?
Of course I remember,
you said we also needed money.
Yes, I’m getting to that.
Well, I was going to the village,
you know, to sell them,
when I realized that no merchant in his right mind
would believe me if I told him the beans were magic;
he’d want to see proof.
And I would have to be crazy
to let him plant a bean in the middle of the square
to see if they were real; it could destroy the entire market.
And even worse, they may charge me for the damages.
Yes, I know they glow.
No ma, I don’t think that’d be enough
to convince a businessperson they were real,
except for maybe a really dim-witted one.
Then why didn’t I find an idiot street vendor?
Because, if they took my word for the beans,
who’s to say they didn’t also take fake gold pieces?
Yes mom, I know the beans aren’t phony, but still.
Anyways, at the precise time I had this epiphany,
a little boy comes walking down the path
towards the market, not more than ten years old.
He’s wearing some sort of raggedy sack as a shirt and
carrying a leash with this gorgeous ol’ piece of cattle
attached to the other end.
So I reason that he’s off to sell the majestic creature,
as per his mother’s instructions
because they fell on hard times and whatnot.
Yes ma, I reckon it is just a cow,
but did you know that in India they’re worshipped?
So what that we’re not in India!
Can I just continue with my story, please?
Okay, so I sees this child and I think to myself,
‘He’s just the right age to trade with.
See, we could always use a cow
and he’s young enough to still believe in magic
but old enough to be his own man.
He may not follow his mother’s commands to the letter.’
No, that wasn’t a dig at you, ma,
I’m just saying I knew he would talk to me.
Well, we chatted for a little while and
came to the conclusion that we should
exchange our merchandise and call it a day.
Can you believe that ma?
A whole heifer for a couple of beans?
Yes, I now they were magic, but still.
Anyways, as I’m making my way home with this cow,
I decide to name her Dakota,
which I reckon she’ll really like
and so I tell her that that’s her name.
And would you believe it ma,
she just up and dies right there,
without even a goodbye speech
like you see in the movies or anything.
But you don’t have to punish me or anything,
because I already learned my lesson
I dragged her all the way here.
What do you mean I have to drag her back?
That’s going to take forever!
I guess I’d better get started then,
don’t wait up.