Text recovered from The Incompete Undead Handbook, found on the bloodied person of one G_____ Brother, deceased


72 hours since first sighting: Reports have indicated the the scourge has seeped through the locked doors (or perhaps up through the floorboards) of our royal palaces. It has been confirmed that the plague of reanimation has reached all the way to the republic of Agrabah, and is showing no signs of slowing.

Magic carpets have clogged up the city’s airways as residents attempt to evacuate the city. The traffic has even restricted the movement of The League of Genies; many have had their tails of smoke run over, and there has even been a case of a lamp reattachment after a particularly nasty accident when a Jinn collided with a weaponized carpet.

Some claim that the government has enacted the “Indefinite Desire Doctrine,” which grants The League access to almost infinite wishgranting abilities. Sultan Aladdin has refused to comment on the question of whether Agrabah’s finest are running out of magic to set things straight; he has not been the same since his Jasmine nibbled on Rajah’s head and inadvertently crushed the tiger’s skull between her teeth.

Beast is having it worse than the time an enchantress from the wrong side of the tracks cursed him with a figure that only a librarian could love. His castle has been nothing but chaos, as Beauty’s talking teapot has begun to complain of headaches and the desire to taste brain matter.

Her son Chip already bit the fingertips of Crazy Old Maurice, who immediately built up an arsenal of inventions guaranteed to decapitate people. He’s also been foaming at the mouth, almost as if the teacup who clipped his nails were infected with rabies.

Meanwhile, Sleeping Beauty was quite surprised when instead of a kiss, her eyes opened to the sight of a zombie (maybe a once-a-prince-charming) biting her smiling lips. She has since vanished from her tower, with nothing left on her bedside besides a rope of intestines.

Rapunzel was more lucky, as she escaped an assault from an infected prince with her quick thinking. As he was ascending her lovely locks of lustrous luminosity, she took her kitchen shears and gave herself a very crude haircut. The royal undead ended up impaled on a set of thorns along with the princess’ severed tresses.

As for Cinderella, her engagement ball transformed into a horror film the instant the clock struck midnight. The royal party turned into an ugly feeding frenzy as infected guests ignored the hors d’oeuvres in favor of a heartier meal.

While the attendees were viciously slaughtered, the princess kicked off her uncomfortable slippers and made her way to the carriages for a quick escape. To her dismay, she found that her fairy godmother had betrayed her, and in the place of a getaway vehicle stood a sadistic jack-o-lantern pumpkin.

Although her prince would endlessly search for his missing fiancé, and the glass ballet shoe would form to her toes perfectly, Cinderella first had to attach a much needed foot onto her rotting leg for the slipper to fit.

The kingdoms are falling one by one. Now would be a great time to discover a medicine to counter this demonic sickness. However, we have found that garlic does not harm the monsters.

Neither does the cross or other tools used to strike the fear of God into the creatures. Indeed, none of the remedies we’ve used in the past appears to be effective. God help us all.

2 thoughts on “Text recovered from The Incompete Undead Handbook, found on the bloodied person of one G_____ Brother, deceased

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