I am an evil queen.
An unspeakably mean,
regal wicked witch.
and if you don’t believe me,
then you’ll be my next meal.
I eat kid’s hearts for breakfast
and my complexion is the better for it.
My reflections tell me I’m gorgeous,
but it’s more than that.
My beauty alone commands a black army
that will attack at my willing.
Bad dudes, with scars in the shapes
of warrior constellations
and tattoos with my name
inked in heart-shaped letters.
My scrying glasses tell me
the only thing standing in my way
is a white child protected by
knights in “L-shaped” armor.
On a field of checkered mirrors
we met for battle.
Her chess pieces were the seven dwarves,
plus of course the queen, Snow White.
First we had to demolish
the forces protecting her.
We went after Dopey first:
a mental patient turned priest
whose feet moved in zigzags.
Maybe he was drunk because
he fell like a rock tossed into quicksilver,
my favorite liquid fix.
The next to fall was Bashful,
who ran around the checkerboard
evading maze traps that only he could see.
That’s as far as we got,
for as we concentrated on thinning her army,
the Beauty White-as-Snow
snuck up on my mirrored husband
and smashed him to pieces,
which you would think would
result in seven-years-bad-luck,
but only accomplished winning my kingdom.
I should have stuck with poisoned produce.
POSTSCRIPT:I’m headed our for the week to chaperone an eighth grade trip. Know you will all be missed (we’ll be “roughing it” in the woods), but I’m happy to get a break from the big city to commune with nature. Be very jealous.