Life Lessons: Age 9 and 3/4


To Mansford the Diary,

I heard on the way home from school that the dow dropped points today. I listen for that now because when the dow gets points, daddy is very happy, but when it drops points, he doesn’t drive very good. I squeezed my seat as we drove very fast home. I thought we were little red riding hood racing against a cheetah to the house, in case the apartment’s teeth were growing too big.

It’s Tuesday today. On Tuesdays mommy comes home later than daddy. I like Tuesdays because I help make dinner when we get home. Tonight we made chili. When we cook, I always take the day’s newspaper and fold it origami into a chef’s hat, because I learned how in art class and you also need a special hat to run a restaurant. I even have a kitchen knife all my own to cut onions with and I only got to use it just this year because daddy says I am grown up enough.

Dinner was really good even though it was just me and daddy. The chili was really spicy and squeezed my taste buds and I needed a fire extinguisher for my face because sometimes daddy gets carried away with the flavors, but it was still tasty and I felt like a crazy dragon eating it. We played drums on the table with our hands which mommy doesn’t usually like because it’s too noisy, but since she was working late I don’t think she minded because she can’t hear us all the way over in her office.

On the nights mommy comes home, she and daddy have a big fight or at least make a lot of noise after I am in bed and I know because I hear Daddy yelling swear words, like the “f” word, and a lot of banging, and Mommy screaming God’s name and then she and daddy go quiet, so I guess God helps. Well, goodnight Mansford.

To Mansford,

We had science with Mr. Oats today and got to make silly putty and see how color dyes work. I wanted to take my putty home so I put it in a plastic bag but Derek took it at lunch. Mommy says he takes my stuff because he likes me but I’m not interested because thats not a good way to show affection. It’s okay though that he got my science project because now I know how to make putty at home.

After school, daddy drove like a crazyhead again. Mommy beat us home even though we went almost as fast as the speed of light which I learned was like a million miles an hour or something. She hugged me when we went inside and I like mommy’s hugs the best more than daddy’s or even grandma’s because my head is right at her belly that’s like a pillow and I can smell her perfume. I also like seeing how tall I am against her buttons. I am right at her fourth button now but daddy says that if I eat a lot of fruits and vegetables and drink my milk I can be up to her third button by the end of Christmas.

Mommy looked like always on Wednesdays with her hair all crazy and the bottom button of her dress undone. Mommy said she needed some coffee. Mr. Oats says coffee keeps you awake even if you’re sleepy, so mommy must have been very tired.

During dinner, we had chili again but that was okay because I like leftovers. Daddy said something about money and mommy said she was having a affair, and I don’t think daddy was hungry anymore after that because he didn’t touch his plate. I don’t know what a affair is but I’ll ask Mr. Oats about it tomorrow.

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