Big Bad Lab Coat


Once there lived a
nerdy little scientist
who would sit alone
in his laboratory in the woods
making discoveries.

Okay, maybe he would
play evil genius most days
and blow up the entire world
with chemistry every week or so,
but he was mostly good,
trying to make the earth a better place.

With science.

Lets be honest, he wasn’t really
a researcher, but he found an
old discarded lab coat
on garbage disposal day one week,
and it fit around his already-smarter shoulders
quite snugly.

Since then, he has called himself
Little Isaac Newton,
as a superhero name or something,
and he’s even had findings.
Findings that leaves come from trees
(confirmed by ceaseless experimentation)
Findings that there exist four different seasons
Findings so mysterious
like if you put your ear to the ground
you can hear heartbeats of animals miles away,
and so the young Jane (James?) Goodall
awarded himself a Ph.D.

For science.

But this easy biology was
far from challenging for such an
ingenious scientist (especially one
wrapped up in a Snow White lab coat),
and the little Isaac Newton decided to
make a Nobel Prize-worthy discovery
by leaving his solitary cottage.

He packed a picnic basket and
ventured from his lab on a path
to find a test subject.
The experimenter was hoping for
a specimen with some age
(to see the physical effects of gray hair),
but instead of an old lady
he was ambushed by a mysterious female
clad in only a green hood.

“What a big cloak you have,”
said the scientist
(for he could not think of a
properly clever thing to say),
to which she replied,
“the better to surprise you with, my dear.”

That was the end of the Einstein’s experiments
and the beginning of puberty.

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