This is the Bible. This is the Bible on the scientific method. Any questions?


Scientific method:

Before the beginning,
there was pretty much nothing.
Except for God,
who was probably pretty bored
and wanted nothing more than to record
something exciting in his/her/its lab journal.
A laptop with no wifi:
God was a scientist without an experiment,
a wrd wtht vwls.

Then the beginning happened,
just like that,
and the earth and heavens cracked apart
and suddenly there was space.
And God saw this,
and thought is was an awesome variable,
and made it his/her/its x axis.

Then God asked a question that began,
“What would happen if…?”
and in the darkness of the heavens,
God took a chemistry kit and smashed it
down to the size of a neutron
and placed that star in the center of the Milky Way
and there was light.

God hypothesized that bright things are attractive
and the earth and nearby planets agreed
and began to circle the star
hoping the rocky planets’ pick up lines
or the gas giants’ size would bring the light closer
and suddenly there was time.
And God saw it was good to record days
and changed his/her/its mind about a data table
and made spacetime take up the bottom part
of the universal graph.
God’s lab book was organized and God
saw that this was good.

And God began to collect data.
He/she/it made butterscotch and mouses
and dinosaurs and eventually dinosaur fossils
and other nouns as well as verbs
and probably prepositions but maybe that came later
and things tiny and delicate like deoxyribonucleic acid
which was abbreviated to DNA because it was a pain to write in a lab journal
and things titanic like tectonic plates and glaciers
and on each God tattooed a serial number
to make them easier to catalogue
and God let them be,
waiting to see what would happen.
And God’s data was both accurate and precise and good.

Then, God introduced a new variable called humanity
(but labeled “Agent Adam” in his/her/its journal)
and left the experiment to go to the bathroom.
After as long as it takes to make a supernova,
God returned and saw Agent Adam
had contaminated the samples,
smashed the ocean tanks,
put petri dishes on their heads
played “hide the engendered species,”
and generally made a mess of his experiment.
And God’s percent error was through the roof
and it was not good.

Maybe in the far reaches of space,
beyond the telescoping rays of astronomy
or the microwave background radiation,
God is repeating the experiment
hoping this time it will succeed.

4 thoughts on “This is the Bible. This is the Bible on the scientific method. Any questions?

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